The Talk of TV: No One Has a Thing Left to Say

A couple of years ago, I predicted this country would go through a “talk famine.” There would be more talk shows than guests.

Hosts would roam aimlessly through the streets of America begging: “Do you have a sordid story to tell? What about an old sordid story that bears repeating, perhaps?”

It has come to pass. After years of interviewing people who are into kinky sex, kids who belong to dysfunctional families, and the rich and famous who want to confess to something, talk-show hosts began interviewing one another. Geraldo interviewed Phil, Jane garnered Oprah, Jay talked with David, Robin guested on Sally Jessy and Barbara chatted with Arsenio. The impact of the talk recession really hit me a few weeks ago. I was watching TV when a morning-show host announced that the next segment would feature an interview with “Thing,” the hand that lived in a box in the home of the Addams Family.

A network television host was interviewing a hand!

I was mesmerized. What do you ask five fingers? “How many hands did you have to shake to get the job? Did you get the part hands down? Do you fear being known as just another pretty hand?”

Actually, the host did a good job with the subject. The hand did a lot better than most people I’ve seen being interviewed. It was direct, didn’t walk off the set when hard questions were asked and didn’t cry when the interviewer got personal.

Talk-show hosts contend that there are still guests with stories yet to be told. They point to two future bookings: a 90-year-old porn queen with an eating disorder who has just made an exercise video and an entrepreneur who is running weekend sexual excursions on spaceships.

I hope the talk shows do find a new vein of guests to uncover. If they don’t, we will have to turn the programming over to the government. It will supply the talkers. After all, this is an election year.

The talking hand sounds better all the time.