Hunky Holidays From Hollywood: Sex Symbols Light Up the Screen

Hollywood used to crank out starlets by the bushel but, these days, it’s the male counterpart that seems to be in abundance. Sex symbolism is in the eye of the beholder, but one doesn’t have to look very far to see that, in the current crop of Christmas movies, the hunks out-number the starlets by a wide margin. Call them the boy toys of winter.

And while youth will be served, so will their older counterparts in the movie-going audience. So we make note of the plethora of male pulchritude adorning multiplex screens, even as we tip a hat to the robust senior division as well.

YOUNG HUNKS

Hunk: Kiefer Sutherland

Movie: “The Three Musketeers”

Role: Athos

Hunk Type: Hardened, bearded idealist

Emotional Entanglement: Condemns ex-wife to death

Hunkiest Moment: Stops the headsman long enough to be her forgiveness

Any Skin? No

*

Hunk: Chris O’Donnell

Movie: “The Three Musketeers”

Role: D’Artagnan

Hunk Type: Dewy, well-muscled post-adolescent

Emotional Entanglement: Meets girl in first reel; she saves his life in last reel

Hunkiest Moment: Learns the art of wenching from unhunky Porthos

Any Skin? Takes off his shirt for encounter with Rebecca DeMornay

*

Hunk: Charlie Sheen

Movie: “The Three Musketeers”

Role: Aramis

Hunk Type: Goateed--yet spiritual--Lothario

Emotional Entanglement: Foreshadows Jim Bakker by seducing 17th Century Bible student

Hunkiest Moment: Emerges from disguise in the nick of time to save the hero--three times

Any Skin? No

*

Hunk: Will Smith

Movie: “Six Degrees of Separation”

Role: Paul

Hunk Type: International Male catalogue model

Emotional Entanglement: Falls desparately in love with Fifth Avenue lifestyle

Hunkiest Moment: Same-sex tango at the Rainbow Room

Any Skin? Takes off his shirt to seduce a gay preppie

*

Hunk: Jason Patric

Movie: “Geronomo: An American Legend”

Role: Lt. Charles Gatewood

Hunk Type: Soft-spoken man of steely resolve and chiseled cheekbones

Emotional Entanglement: Gets too involved for his own good in male-bonding with Geronimo

Hunkiest Moment: Stands up to bigotry while gunning down blood-thirsty bounty hunters in Mexican catina

Any Skin? No (but camera’s love affair with his face is enough)

*

Hunk: Johnny Depp

Movie: “What’s Eating Gilbert Grape”

Role: Gilbert Grape

Hunk Type: Iowa farmboy grunge

Emotional Entanglement: Can’t decide between cute young girl, middle-aged married lover or 600-pound mother

Hunkiest Moment: Delivering groceries--and himself--to his married lover

Any Skin? No

BUFF BABY BOOMERS

Hunk: Daniel Day-Lewis

Movie: “In the Name of the Father”

Role: Gerry Conlon

Hunk Type: Froms ‘70s Irish disco hippie into ‘80s political hardbody

Emotional Entanglement: Rediscovers love for his father when they share a jail cell for a crime they didn’t commit

Hunkiest Moment: Turns himself into clone of the Soloflex model

Any Skin? Stripped for delousing; later, strips to tank top to work out in his cell

*

Hunk: Harvey Keitel

Movie: “The Piano”

Role: George Baines

Hunk Type: Natural man, in touch with the values of the indigenous people. Facial tatoos always a turn-on

Emotional Entanglement: Woos another man’s wife by getting her to give him piano lessons

Hunkiest Moment: Bares his soul to her--emotionally and sexually

Any Skin? Bares his body to her--literally and completely

*

Hunk: Val Kilmer

Movie: “Tombstone”

Role: Doc Holliday

Hunk Type: Charming, consumptive rakehell

Emotional Entanglement: Throws over dancehall girl for his only friend, Wyatt Earp

Hunkiest Moment: Gets into Latin-spouting putdown match with Johnny Ringo

Any Skin? No

SEXY SENIOR CITIZENS

Hunk: Richard Harris

Movie: “Wrestling Ernest Hemingway”

Role: Francis Joyce

Hunk Type: Randy old rooster

Emotional Entanglement: Chasing middle-agers Piper Laurie and Shirley MacLaine

Hunkiest Moment: Naked push-ups in the living room

Any Skin? Answers his front door in the altogether

*

Hunk: Jack Lemmon

Movie: “Grumpy Old Men”

Role: John Gustafson

Hunk Type: Retired, widowed academic given to wisecracks

Emotional Entanglement: Gets rejuvenated by a fling with kooky, sexy neighbor Ann Margaret

Hunkiest Moment: Asks whether they should practice safe sex

Any Skin? No

*

Hunk: Anthony Hopkins

Movie: “Shadowlands”

Role: C.S. Lewis

Hunk Type: Emotionally remote British theologian

Emotional Entanglement: Falls for plain-spoken Jewish American poet with terminal illness

Hunkiest Moment: Shares his vision of heaven on earth with new wife, a woman who is soon heaven-bound

Any Skin? Good Lord, no