LAUGH LINES : Jokes

Royal watch: Jay Leno, on reports that the Royal Family will give Princess Di $24 million and homes in London and France: “That’s a disgrace. It’s terrible that they would treat her like some kind of Haitian military dictator.”

Comedy writer Alan Ray, on word that Di and Prince Chuck will allegedly split wedding gifts in a divorce settlement: “Some items they shared only a couple of times--a tea set, silverware, a mattress.”

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Political update: The National Assn. to Advance Fat Acceptance denounced the President for ignoring its needs. Comic Argus Hamilton wonders why the group is angry: “After all, his family crest is two pork ribs crossed under a moon pie.”

Hamilton, on U.S. Senate candidate Oliver North’s early support for the now-failed Disney theme park in Virginia: “Disney got Ollie’s backing by telling him the role of Pinocchio was his for the asking.”

Comedy writer Tony Peyser, on the Pete Wilson-Kathleen Brown debate being translated into Spanish: “The governor didn’t mind that, but said he only wanted it broadcast to legal immigrants.”

Arianna and Mike Huffington make a great couple, says comedy writer Bruce Bellingham: “She whispers sweet nothings in his ear, and he repeats them.”

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In the news: Peyser, on Judge Lance Ito sending prospective O.J. jurors home early Tuesday after admonishing them not to watch TV, listen to the radio, read newspapers or magazines, or go into bookstores: “He particularly stressed that they not watch ‘SeaQuest DSV,’ because the show this season is even worse than last year.”

Ray, on massive reform at the CIA: “No more covert checks to prop up Latin American dictators. Most now have direct deposit.”

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Stargazing: Comedy writer Bob Mills, on Roseanne’s engagement to her bodyguard: “He gave her a ring, and she gave him his own TV show.”

Hamilton, on David Caruso leaving “NYPD Blue” to become a big movie star: “What a career move. After all, MacLean Stevenson, Suzanne Somers and Shelley Long needed a fourth for bridge.”

Halloween costume update:

* Supermodel Kate Moss is going to gain 30 pounds and go as a skeleton. (Jay Leno)

* Rush Limbaugh will strap on a dashboard and go as an air bag. (Gags Gang/Funny Stuff newsletter)

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Reader Ned Madden of San Clemente says that his nephew Timmy, 6, was telling Ned’s brother a tale about an encounter he’d had with some girls at his school. Skeptical about what seemed like embellishments, Ned’s brother said, “Oh c’mon, Timmy!”

“This is a true story,” my nephew replied, “and I’m getting to the true part.”