Today’s question: “Is it right for parents...

Today’s question: “Is it right for parents or mentors to shade the truth or lie about their past when disciplining or instructing children about the dangers of drugs and sex?”

The Venerable Havanpola Ratanasara

President, College of Buddhist Studies,

Los Angeles

“Making an error is human. The development of a sound personality depends largely on truthfulness. If the parents made moral or ethical transgressions, or even simply bad judgments, they should not be bashful to divulge it. They can utilize the story in a positive way. They can point out the folly of their actions, explaining how it is or why they made those mistakes, and allow the children to profit by the parents’ example. Children will also appreciate this tactic more than straight dogma. The Lord Buddha, the Awakened One, has stated: ‘There is no evil that cannot be done by the liar, who has transgressed the one law [of truthfulness] and who is indifferent to a world beyond.’ ”

The Rev. Ignacio Castuera

Pastor, North Glendale United

Methodist Church

“Most family counselors agree that truth sharing while disciplining children on the dangers of sex or drugs is unwise. The primary task is to establish ideals of behavior which children must observe. As children mature and creative dialogue is pursued, confession may indeed prove good for the soul of the parent and the growth of the youth. But during sessions dealing with discipline, truth must take a second place to safety. Blessed are the parents who create environments where the truth can be finally shared for the benefit of the maturing son or daughter. Clear expectations of safe and healthy behavior will prove important ingredients in the creation of such an environment.”

Sharon Presley

Executive director, Resources for

Independent Thinking, Oakland

“If we want our children to be honest, we have to model honesty. Telling lies ‘for their own good’ is not only morally unacceptable in this context, it is counterproductive as well. Being honest with children about past drug use or sexual behavior (and the lessons learned from it) is much more likely to get them to listen to you than pretending to be Mr. or Ms. Pristine. Kids are more likely to take someone with experience seriously. Pretending to have a ‘shady’ past is not likely to be convincing either! Kids have good radar for hypocrisy. Nor do they like to be preached to. Being honest is the best, and most effective, policy.”