Punch Lines

In Business: Banks are reporting outstanding fourth-quarter profits as a result of mergers and downsizing. “Some banks even talk of funneling profits back into service,” Jerry Perisho says. “There will be new fillers in pens at the counter, heat for one hour each day in the winter and when 50 people are in line, they’ll open a second teller window.”

Disney CEO Michael Eisner signed a new 10-year contract guaranteeing $750,000 a year plus stock options of 8 million shares. “For an additional $250,000 cash, he was willing to take box seats for Angels home games.” (Perisho)

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Politics as Usual: In his testimony, O.J. Simpson admitted adultery, but said he doesn’t consider that lying. “Both political parties took note,” Argus Hamilton says.

Johnnie Cochran’s TV show “Cochran & Grace” premiered this week. “They discussed the Supreme Court hearings as to whether Paula Jones’ sexual harassment suit against President Clinton can be heard while he is in office. “Cochran claimed Jones was planted in Clinton’s hotel room by Mark Fuhrman.” (Cutler Daily Scoop)

* “Justice Clarence Thomas kept asking the plaintiff’s lawyer what all the fuss was about.” (Bob Mills)

Former Treasurer Robert L. Citron began his one-year sentence for his role in Orange County’s bankruptcy. “The prison population trades in cigarettes, and so far Citron has managed to lose 1.64 billion of their Marlboros,” Jenny Church says.

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In the News: Simpson has returned to the witness stand. “His latest defense posture is that he’s never owned any DNA,” Alan Ray says.

Royal advisors are looking for a way to boost the image of Prince Charles. “They’re currently looking for charisma donors who match his blood type,” Premiere Morning Sickness says.

This is Manwatchers Week. “You watch a man this week. He watches you next week. Then he ignores you and watches the Super Bowl.” (Daily Scoop)

Two female cadets are leaving the Citadel. “Their recent harassment has proven what the old guard has been saying all along: When you mix genders, sparks fly.” (Ray)

The European Space Agency is collecting messages to be sent to Titan, Saturn’s largest moon, in hopes there is someone there. Says Gary Easley, “The most popular message coming from Beverly Hills is ‘$5 an hour, Mondays and Thursdays off.’ ”

Euripides’ ancient den is believed to have been found in Greece. “Archeologists are still looking for the equally sought after Euripides Jacuzzi.” (Daily Scoop)

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Reader Esther Gertzman was driving her granddaughter Liz, 8, to her home on Balboa Island and got lost. After driving in circles for 15 minutes, she asked, “Do you know how to get to your home?” Liz said, “Sure,” and gave directions. Gertzman asked Liz why she didn’t tell her before.

“You didn’t ask me.”