Matadors Looking for Ways to Hit 13

It’s a weekday afternoon at Cal State Northridge and first-year men’s basketball Coach Bobby Braswell is meeting after practice with players who are eligible to return to the Matadors next season:

Braswell: As you know, we have a little problem for next season.

There are 14 players on this team expecting scholarships but the NCAA says basketball teams can give out only 13 scholarships.

Mike O’Quinn: Who goofed? We’ve got to know.

Braswell: Mea culpa.

Kevin Taylor: Hey, anyone know Spanish?

Trenton Cross: That’s Latin for “my fault,” man. I know ‘cause I’m studying criminology. Defendants used it in court a long time ago to admit guilt.

Jeffrey Parris: The only trials I’ve watched were O.J.’s and he sure didn’t say that.

Derrick Higgins: How could that happen?

Lucky Grundy: He didn’t have to admit anything.

Higgins: I’m talking about the scholarship.

Athletic Director Paul Bubb: Don’t look at me. I was busy hiring a football coach.

Braswell: Hey, I was an English major, not a math wiz.

Brady Mertes: Well, I’m a business major and I know someone will get the sushi treatment.

Brian Hagens: What’s that?

Mertes: A raw deal.

Braswell: Nah, nah. I’d call it just a little inconvenience.

Greg Minor: Tell that to the guy who’ll have to fork out $1,970 for tuition next year when his scholarship is gone.

Walter Jefferson: For that kind of money, I want some real classrooms around here.

William Davis: All I want is to know how someone could just pull out the scholarship from under you?

Braswell: The NCAA rules leave it up to the coach’s discretion. He can revoke a scholarship any time he wants.

I don’t want to do it, but I might not have an alternative.

Taylor: Here’s one. Let’s split the money 14 ways.

Braswell: Sorry, can’t do. The NCAA won’t allow it.

Grundy: That’s not fair.

Braswell: Maybe not, but I’ve come up with a plan.

Bubb: Oh, boy. Last time I heard that from a coach, I got suspended.

Braswell: Relax. We’ll be totally above board.

Sha-Ron Elzy: Watch out, he sounds like Newt Gingrich.

Braswell: I’ll keep that comment in mind when making my decision. Anyhow, I’ll decide whose scholarship could be in jeopardy by giving you guys a quiz. One incorrect answer and you’re out. I’d like you to line up according to how important you were to the team this season, with the top guys in front.

Grundy: I’ve been on the team three seasons and I’ve been a walk-on every time. What else do I have to do for respect around here?

Braswell: OK, the first question goes to Derrick. Where was the last Super Bowl played?

Higgins: The Superdome.

Braswell: Excellent. Kevin, where is the Superdome located?

Taylor: That’s the Big Easy question--New Orleans.

Braswell: Smart-aleck response but correct. Trenton, who played in this year’s game?

Cross: Green Bay and New England.

Braswell: That’s right. Lucky, who won the game?

Grundy: The Packers kicked booty. By the way, when do I collect on our bet?

Braswell: When we reach the Final Four. Brady, how many people at the game?

Mertes: Coach, I believe it was 72,301.

Braswell: Very impressive.

Now, Sha-Ron, give me the names and addresses of those 72,301 people. . . .