It’s Parenting by the Numbers--and Mother, Child Are Polls Apart

Jimmy’s mom exulted when her December poll figures came out. They showed her with a 71% approval rating from her 8-year-old son, up four points from her November numbers. She showed the poll results to her husband, who assisted in Jimmy’s care from time to time, and he was pleased. It was one of the highest parental ratings ever received in a non-birthday party ratings period.

“This is great news,” Jimmy’s mom said, handing her son a chocolate cupcake just an hour before dinner, “but I have the feeling I can go even higher.”

The latest ratings, the highest ever achieved by Jimmy’s mom, continue a trend that capped a remarkable three-year turnaround. When Jimmy was 5, his mom’s approval rating consistently registered in the 30s--bottoming out at one point at 29%--as she constantly did things that displeased him. She remembered the first time she dipped below 30%: She had brought Jimmy home from the doctor’s office, where he’d gotten a flu shot. Jimmy wailed the whole time, begging his mother not to let the doctor inoculate him. When Jimmy got home, he went to his room and locked the door. Jimmy’s mom threatened to spank him, and Jimmy cried some more, threatening to run away from home and go live with the Fosters next door. Overnight polls showed his mom’s approval rating plummeting.

From that glum experience, however, Jimmy’s mom took stock. She vowed never to make Jimmy unhappy again.

That night at the dinner table, Jimmy pushed his vegetables aside. “I hate vegetables,” he said, pouting.

“But they’re good for--” his mom said, before catching herself. “What I mean is, you’re right, they’re icky. You don’t have to eat them.” She scraped the peas off his plate and directly into the garbage pail.

Momentarily shocked, Jimmy then brightened. Two days later, his mom’s approval showed its first increase in 13 months, climbing back above 30%.

A couple weeks later, Jimmy was playing in the street in front of the house. “Jimmy, get out of the street. It’s not safe,” his mom said.

“But it’s more fun to play in the street,” Jimmy said. “Other kids’ moms let them play in it.”

Jimmy’s mom thought for a second. She knew it was unsafe, but he seemed to be having so much fun. “OK,” she said. “Be careful, though.”

Later that night around 8 o’clock, it was Jimmy’s bedtime, but he wasn’t tired. “I want to go to McDonald’s,” he said, “and I really mean it!”

“We just had dinner two hours ago,” his mom said, “but French fries and a malt sound pretty good. Let’s go!”

By the end of the month, with his mom’s new strategy firmly in tow, Jimmy awarded her an approval rating of 42%. It was the first time she’d been over 40% since the day she wouldn’t let him play with matches and he got mad at her.

Over the next three years, it simply became a matter of padding the numbers and securing her place in history as one of the really great popular moms of all time. Jimmy’s mom came to realize that individual decisions could produce instant and significant results. For example, when Jimmy, then 6, started a fight with a neighbor girl by calling her a bad name and then pulling her hair, Jimmy’s mom pulled the two apart and, at Jimmy’s insistence, cuffed the girl on the head and gave Jimmy a piece of licorice. The next month, Jimmy’s mom’s approval rating went up four points to 52%.

On another occasion, Jimmy didn’t feel like going to school. He wanted to go to Disneyland, instead. He said he’d throw a fit if he didn’t go. His mom called in sick for the both of them and took her son to the park. Jimmy awarded his mom a two-point bump-up in the next ratings period.

Jimmy’s mom occasionally reflected on her strategy. She knew she wasn’t doing exactly what Jimmy needed, but his approval was addicting. Lord, how that kid could scream if he didn’t get his way. So, when he wanted to watch TV instead of doing his schoolwork, or when he refused to go to the dentist, she relented.

It didn’t please her that Jimmy’s grades were suffering or that his teeth were beginning to rot, but something in the way he smiled when she gave in proved irresistible. Besides, following Jimmy’s 8th birthday in October of this year, when his mom spent $150 on presents alone, her approval rating climbed to 67%.

Being that close to the magic 70% threshold, Jimmy’s mom wondered what else she could for her son. She was already pandering to him in ways no other parent was doing, but she needed more. Then, one day last month, Jimmy announced that he’d like to try smoking, preferably cigars.

“Smoking isn’t that good for you,” Jimmy’s mom said. “In the long run, it---”

“Mo-m-m-m!” Jimmy said, in that disapproving, impatient tone of voice he’d come to perfect.

“You win,” his mom said. “As long as you’re happy, that’s all that matters. I just hope I’m doing the right thing.”

After he lit up, Jimmy turned to his proud mother and said, “Mom, I don’t know if you’re doing the right thing or not, but let’s just say I think you’ll be pleased with your December numbers.”

Dana Parsons’ column appears Wednesday, Friday and Sunday. Readers may reach Parsons by calling (714) 966-7821 or by writing to him at the Times Orange County Edition, 1375 Sunflower Ave., Costa Mesa, CA 92626, or by e-mail to [email protected]