Punch Lines

Holidaze: “You know why they call it ‘Memorial Day weekend’? Because it takes a few days to remember what we did that weekend after all those drinks.” (Andrew Wisot)

That Sinking Feeling: “Now that Cher is in her 50s, she realizes that it’s time to get rid of the tattoos. The butterfly she had on her buttocks is now below her knee.” (Myrna Fein)

Freeze Frame: The Baltimore Orioles and the New York Yankees had a 10-minute brawl after a Yankee batter was hit by a pitch. “For a minute there, the teams thought they were in the NHL.” (Wisot)

Kerplunk!: “Did you hear about the man who accidentally dropped a bottle of Viagra in the toilet? Now he can’t get the seat down.” (Paul Becker)

Splat!: To celebrate the release of “Godzilla” in New York City, Mayor Rudy Giuliani declared “Godzilla Day.” “Today, everything’s back to normal, and it’s once again ‘Roaches and Rats Day.’ ” (Conan O’Brien)

Hoopman: “Swimsuit season is here. Time to bare all in an itsy-bitsy, teeny-weeny, yellow polka-dot bikini. But enough about Dennis Rodman’s plans.” (Kenny Noble Cortes)

Networking: The U.S. Supreme Court has ruled that TV stations can exclude third-party candidates from presidential debates. “Great. Now who’s going to provide comic relief?” (Rudolph J. Cecera)

Script, Please: NBC plans to make the Bible into a miniseries. “In an effort to reach the youth market, producers are renaming it ‘God-zilla.’ ” (Chris Pina)

Granny Emmy: Soap star Susan Lucci, having failed to win an Emmy for the 18th consecutive year, can still win the statuette. “But by then the show may be called ‘All My Grandchildren.’ ” (Earl Hochman)

Do the Math: The Department of Education announced that California kids rank near the bottom of the country in math scores. “No wonder President Clinton is so popular in California. Nobody out here can put 2 and 2 together.” (Argus Hamilton)

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The Equine David Letterman:

Top 10 things overheard at “The Horse Whisperer” . . .

10. “Loved the horse--hated the whispering.”

7. “This was 10 times better than that horse mumbler.”

3. “My Uncle Earl used to shout at dogs.”

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