LAUGH LINES

Mars to Venus: “I guess you probably know by now they haven’t heard anything from that Mars Polar Lander. Nothing at all! That’s when you know it’s serious. When you don’t hear anything. Married guys know what I’m talking about. The deafening silence. ‘Honey, is everything OK? Honey!’ ” (Jay Leno)

“According to a new study, America now has an increase in homeless people. So apparently the cast of ‘Diff’rent Strokes’ is bigger than I thought.” (Rudolph J. Cecera)

*

The Essential David Letterman

Ways the Country Would Be

Different if Arnold

Schwarzenegger Were President

8. He’d be the first Austrian weightlifting president since Jimmy Carter.

7. On Easter, children search White House lawn for invisible alien predators.

4. President throws out first ball; catcher sustains season-ending injury.

3. President blows up Congress, then mutters, “Veto, you bastards.”

2. Saddam Hussein appears on TV with busted lip to announce full compliance with U.N.

1. Goodbye, Arbor Day. Hello, Bicep Day.

Got a joke? Send it to Laugh Lines by fax, (213) 237-0732, or mail, Southern California Living, Los Angeles Times, Times Mirror Square, Los Angeles, CA 90053.