TWO-MINUTE DRILL

Atlanta 24, New Orleans 17: Mon.-Sat., Vick wears glasses, works for Daily Planet. Lois never suspects.

Cleveland 27, Cincinnati 20: Over 64,000 fans at game. Which proves there’s nothing to do in Cincinnati.

Jacksonville 24, Houston 21: “Now, the season begins,” Coach Coughlin says. The off-season?

K.C. 17, Buffalo 16: Vermeil weeps after game, causing Dusty Baker’s son to ask: “Who’s the wimp?”

Minnesota 31, Green Bay 21: The rest of the NFL has a name for indoor football: Arena League.

New York Giants 19, Washington 17: Spurrier should ask Jerry Tarkanian about his days with Spurs.

Phila. 38, Arizona 14: Even if you think ankle is only sprained, why play McNabb until fourth quarter?

Indianapolis 20, Dallas 3: Emmitt Smith officially joins long list of athletes who don’t know when to retire.

Tennessee 31, Pittsburgh 23: Maddox’s injury reminds everyone that it’s just a game.

San Diego 20, San Francisco 17 (OT): “Hello, is this the unemployment office? My name is Jose Cortez.”

Tampa Bay 23, Carolina 10: People in Charlotte beg New Orleans to take Panthers along with Hornets.

New York Jets 31, Detroit 14: Jets are 5-5, but so are five other teams in AFC. We love parity.

Denver 31, Seattle 9: Steve Beuerlein saves the day. When his career began, Reagan was president.

Miami 26, Baltimore 7: After win, Ray Lucas says his faith in himself is renewed. That makes one of us.

Oakland 27, New England 20: Victory still doesn’t make up for last season’s playoff loss.

Chicago at St. Louis, tonight, 6 p.m., Ch. 7: Remember when John Madden was a good analyst?

-- Houston Mitchell