You Read It Here: The Real Tooth About the Material Girl’s Collectibles

Chew on this: The Hard Rock Cafe brags on its Web site that its collection of star memorabilia includes one of Madonna’s molars. But her spokeswoman told the Wall Street Journal it ain’t hers.

The item caught my eye because I had a molar removed several years ago. Unfortunately, my dentist had to saw the stubborn thing in half first (a strange experience),which would explain why I was unable to find any collectors to buy it.

By the way, this is not the first Madonna collectible story to make the news. During the L.A. riots of 1992, a kinky looter invaded Frederick’s of Hollywood and made off with the singer’s bustier from the store’s famous Brassiere Museum.

The Case of the Boosted Bustier remains unsolved.

Speaking of kinky: Judi Redenbaugh of Costa Mesa sent along an ad for a clothing item evidently designed for a wild wedding night (see accompanying).

Unless the store meant “bridle” item. (In any event, I’m not sure I’d want a “management footbed.”)

Unwelcome: Vicki Smith of Riverside came upon a blurb for a home that’s “like new” -- if you can just figure out how to get inside (see accompanying).

Unsettling: “Today is my 43rd birthday and my boyfriend bought me a heating pad for a present,” wrote Sandy Jones of Pioneertown.

She said she loves it -- even if it did come with a somewhat macabre set of directions (see accompanying).

Lights out! KNX-AM (1070) radio warned residents of Cerritos that a city ordinance requires the dismantling of holiday decorations and lights by Jan. 15. (This is the city that once refused to allow the Big Yellow House restaurant to use its traditional color -- yellow! -- in the city.) Downey has a similar law aimed at lazy Christmas revelers.

I was reminded of a guest on the talk show of Phil Hendrie on KFI-AM (640), who announced a few years ago that she was making a list of addresses in her neighborhood where the lights were still up after Dec. 27. Then, she said, she was going to notify the local power company, which had agreed to plunge the delinquents into total darkness.

Several astonished listeners phoned KFI to ask how this could happen in a free country. What about individual rights, etc.? The protesters were unaware that Hendrie’s show is a put-on and that he impersonates his “guests.” Perhaps Cerritos and Downey officials mistakenly passed those ordinances after hearing that show.

All the world’s a TV screen: In her new book, “Married to the Icepick Killer: A Poet in Hollywood,” Carol Muske-Dukes writes that after moving from New York to L.A. she found herself at a cocktail party with her actor-husband, the late David Dukes, among film and TV industry folks.

A man asked what she did for a living. She said she was a writer.

“Right,” he said. “Half-hour or hour?”

“Neither,” she said, “lifetime.”

The man smiled and said, “Oh, you work for cable.”

miscelLAny: The Los Alamitos News-Enterprise printed a police log item about a “suspicious person” who was observed “inside a phone booth repeatedly hanging up the phone.” Well as a frequent user of phone booths, I can tell you exactly what the poor guy was doing: Trying to get a dial tone.

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Steve Harvey can be reached at (800) LA-TIMES, Ext. 77083, by fax at (213) 237-4712, by mail at Metro, L.A. Times, 202 W. 1st St., L.A. 90012 and by e-mail at [email protected].