Already he’s wise on 2008

RANDOM THOUGHTS while watching the hillsides turn green -- finally:

2008 sure has been a long year.

-- Steve Martin’s new book will give you happy feet.

-- Las Vegas is becoming our Amsterdam.

-- Seriously, does the U.S. really need two Dakotas?

-- Reminder to newlyweds: “Bliss” is the root of “blister.”

-- With my kids, Aesop would’ve had 300 more fables.

-- “It is better to have loved and lost than never to have lost at all.” -- Samuel Butler

-- My first act as president of the United States: Eliminate those little subscription cards that fall out of magazines.

-- Second act: Deport Oprah.

-- Third act: Consolidate the Dakotas.

-- To me, Emeril always looks a little lagassy.

-- Maybe it’s something he ate.

-- If it wasn’t for James Bond movies, I would’ve had no sex education at all.

-- How do you like the new Infiniti FX35RxL321&%$#@# @%**%$#@!*)_+&?

-- I much prefer the Lexus LS600hLRR*(^%^$#%$#%8 *88$$^%$#@$##$.

-- Yep, it was a lot easier when cars had real names.

-- “Alvin and the Chipmunks” is rated PG? Really? Does Alvin hook up with a sexy squirrel or what?

-- “Isn’t there any other part of the matzo you can eat?” -- Marilyn Monroe on being repeatedly served matzo ball soup

-- If football is going to allow those long replay challenges, it should eliminate all regular timeouts.

-- How much would Dick Butkus have loved to play against guys with hair hanging out of their helmets?

-- Letting your sprinklers run in the middle of a rainstorm is like flushing the toilet 20 times for no reason.

-- Look-alikes: Reba McEntire and Bryce Howard.

-- I keep forgetting, what nation does Queen Latifah rule?

-- Never underestimate the power of positive drinking.

-- Because negative drinking gets you nowhere.

-- Maybe all hockey games ought to be played outside.

-- I know all football should.

-- The critics are correct: Iowa and New Hampshire don’t represent the rest of the country. Their residents are far more literate, better on issues and prouder to participate.

-- Who would you rather trust to determine our political future? Florida?

-- Honestly, I’m a little surprised we don’t have two Missouris.

-- “There are three rules for writing a novel. Unfortunately, no one knows what they are.” -- W. Somerset Maugham

-- Trust me, L.A. really values the written word, in particular, “This note is legal tender . . . .”

-- What I would give right now for a decent bowl of French onion soup.

-- What I would give right now for just one Dakota.

-- Look-alikes: Chris Matthews and Dave Madden, the guy who played the Partridge family’s manager.

-- The Montrose shopping district is L.A.’s Bedford Falls.

-- OK, how much longer do we have before Emeril Lagasse just explodes?

-- Tick, tick, tick . . .

-- “My husband said he needed more space, so I locked him outside.” -- Roseanne Barr

-- If Christina Applegate has amnesia, how does she remember to do her show each week?

-- You know you’re in L.A. when you drive for three hours at night and never need your brights.

-- True confession: I’ve watched “Hannah Montana.”

-- True confession II: I’d do it again.

-- Tell me, why isn’t that show on ABC?

-- Lincoln had the Civil War. I’ll have the Dakotas.

-- Best advice ever: Never give a hammer to a 5-year-old. Ouch.

-- Best response to “tell me a little about yourself”: “Well, I was born to circus clowns on the outskirts of Biloxi . . . .”

-- Latest sign that baby boomers are aging: You now see more pharmaceutical commercials than car ads.

-- The first bite of a burger is the culinary equivalent of a first kiss.

-- And they both come with onions.

-- The only way I’ll lose 5 pounds this month is to lop off a leg.

-- “He who laughs, lasts.” -- Mary Pettibone Poole

-- Remember, only 349 shopping days till Christmas.

-- Tick, tick, tick . . .

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Chris Erskine can be reached at [email protected]. For more columns, see latimes.com/erskine.