The Times’ NBA rankings

BEN BOLCH’S RANKINGS, COMMENTS THROUGH SATURDAY

FIRST-GROWTH BORDEAUX
1. CHICAGO (45-14) Derrick Rose’s return could go by any other name but it’s still unproductive. (1)
2. OKLAHOMA CITY (44-16) Thunder fans anxious about April slump shouldn’t look up 2011 Lakers. (2)
3. MIAMI (41-17) Dwyane Wade should be able to scrape by on salary, endorsement deals. (3)
4. LAKERS (38-22) Andrew Bynum never took SAT because he’d already mastered boards. (5)
5. SAN ANTONIO (42-16) Spurs suddenly have trouble winning at half strength or full strength. (4)

NAPA VALLEY CABERNET
6. INDIANA (38-22) Barking up wrong tree: West accidentally hits mascot Moon Dog in eye. (6)
7. CLIPPERS (37-23) Looks like possible happy endings for Clipper Darrell and Vinny Del Negro. (7)
8. MEMPHIS (35-24) Playoff success vs. Spurs still trumps getting swept by them in regular season. (10)
9. ATLANTA (35-24) Could get Al Horford back but playing like they don’t really need him. (9)
10. BOSTON (35-25) If Celtics rise any faster, they’ll have to worry about getting the bends. (11)
11. ORLANDO (34-25) Dwight Howard’s ailing back a major pain in the rear for Magic fans. (8)
12. DALLAS (34-26) Boy-Scout-in-waiting Lamar Odom didn’t get orienteering badge with Mavs. (12)

BOXED WINE
13. HOUSTON (32-27) Recent home games go as well as first “Martian Chronicles” missions. (14)
14. DENVER (32-27) New reality show: “Things JaVale McGee says and does.” (13)
15. PHILADELPHIA (31-28) Team that hasn’t won three in a row since March needs new plan for playoffs. (15)
16. PHOENIX (31-29) Now’s time when Suns want triple digits inside, outside US Airways Center. (17)
17. NEW YORK (31-28) Phil who? Win over Heat would make team 10-0 at home under Mike Woodson. (18)
18. UTAH (31-30) Spurs box score should include Gregg Popovich since he was Jazz’s top defender. (16)
19. MILWAUKEE (29-31) Is Monta Ellis Robin to Brandon Jennings’ Batman or vice versa? (19)
20. PORTLAND (28-32) Fans wish they were put under to avoid season of bad medical news. (20)
21. MINNESOTA (25-36) JaVale McGee now disliked even more in Minneapolis than in Washington. (21)

TWO-BUCK CHUCK
22. GOLDEN ST. (22-37) Warriors fans wishing they could fast forward to the Andrew Bogut era. (22)
23. DETROIT (22-37) Rodney Stuckey, Tayshaun Prince treated like paupers, benched vs. Bucks. (23)
24. NEW JERSEY (22-39) NBA’s Board of Governors approves relocation, agrees Nets are awful. (27)
25. TORONTO (21-39) Bad news: Andrea Bargnani out rest of season. Good: It doesn’t matter. (24)
26. CLEVELAND (20-38) Luke Harangody wants no part of Cavs with D-League playoffs starting. (26)
27. SACRAMENTO (19-41) Does anyone really care where the unfit-to-exist franchise ends up? (25)
28. NEW ORLEANS (17-42) Tom Benson couldn’t get the parking lots with his $338 million either. (28)
29. WASHINGTON (14-46) Wins over Thunder, Lakers, Magic must have come thanks to magic spells. (29)

TWO O’CLOCK ? WAS THAT A GOOD YEAR?
30. CHARLOTTE (7-51) Bobcats are like a 1980s B movie that’s so bad you can’t look away. (30)